WEST CHESTER, Penna. – This morning I read the following sentence on a blog: “Anyone who thinks that having a child will improve their marriage has it all wrong.” Now I ask you, fellow English speakers, did you find any grammatical spanners in the works here?
No, you say. There’s nothing to see here, keep moving. The sentence makes sense. Kids don’t improve marriages, unless stretch marks, sagging tits, and fewer opportunities to get your freak on constitute an improvement in your house. If they do, Octomom must have an orgasm every time the doorbell rings.
So let me put it this way: in the sentence “Anyone who thinks that having a child will improve . . . marriage has it all wrong,” the elipses should be replaced with a) their stinking marriage, b) his stinking marriage, c) her stinking marriage, d) his or her stinking marriage, e) anything but answer a.
That was easy. You had four out of five goddamn chances of guessing the correct answer. As long as you didn’t choose answer a, you don’t have egg in your teeth. Because anyone is singular, the pronoun that refers to anyone must be singular also. That eliminates their, which everybody knows is plural, you jackass.
Ready for another one? Good. “Each child was told to have . . . parent consent form signed in order to participate in the school’s LSD experiment.”
Is it a) his, b) their, c) her, d) his or her, or e) a (the letter not the answer)?
Another easy one. If you chose b, stab yourself in the eye with a fork and go to your room. If you chose a, c, or d, you were paying attention to the previous question. If you chose answer e, you’re probably a lawyer.
OK. One more for all the English-as-a-second-language members of the audience. “Agents for Scarlett Johansson have threatened to sue the shit out of anybody who harbors nude photos of Scarlett’s ass on . . . computer.”
Is it a) his, b) her, c) their, d) his or her, or e) any?
If you answered c, stab yourself in the other eye, Oedipus. If you answered a, b, or d, give yourself a pat on the ass. If you answered e, you should be a lawyer. Give somebody else a pat on the ass.
Well, that’s all the time The Grammar Prick has today, boys and girls. He needs to go out and chase some kids off his lawn, but he’ll be back soon with another opportunity for you to find out how wretched your “command” of English really is.
News Update (10/23/11): The assholes at How-To Geek came up with this gem recently: “The Software Extension every Office Worker Needs for Their Computer.” See it for yourself here. Tell ’em The Grammar Prick sent you.
News Update (10/26/11): The folks at the Bush website made this rude noise recently: “The new BUSH album, The Sea of Memories, is steeped in the notion that one has to know where they came from to know where they’re going.” See it for yourself here. Tell ’em The Grammar Prick sent you.
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