WEST CHESTER, Penna. – While navigating the backwaters of the internet yesterday, I nearly ran aground on a website entitled The Neosecularist. What brought me up startled was this sentence: “There is some graphic descriptions of abortion procedures in this column.”
Harrumph, I said to myself, and there is a graphic example of a language abortion in that sentence—the ignorant and annoying use of a singular verb, is, with a plural subject, descriptions. If that doesn’t terminate your pregnancy quicker than a rusty coat hanger, I don’t know what will.
Obviously that dead fetus of a sentence should read: “There are some graphic descriptions of abortion procedures in this column (emphasis added).”
The Neosecularist isn’t the only website with its wits in a wringer. ESPN’s NFC East Blog weighed in with this turd heap recently: “Signs, signs, everywhere there’s signs.” And everywhere there are assholes who think they can write.
This kind of mistake (trying to align a square verb with a round subject) most often occurs when there’s—the contraction of there is—is involved.
“There’s three dudes in ski masks waiting in your office to speak with you.”
Once again There’s should be There are.
Now, boys and girls, we come to the part of the lesson wherein The Grammar Prick tries to keep you from tripping over your dicks (well, some of you anyway) when you open your mouths. Armed with the knowledge that there’s equals there is and here’s equals here is and where’s equals where is identify the incorrect sentence in each of the following groups.
Group A
1)There’s two sides to every story. 2) There’s an app for that. 3) There’s no harm in trying.
Group B
1) Here’s looking at you, kid. 2) Here’s the pictures from your colonoscopy. 3) Here’s a good suggestion: piss off.
Group C
1) There’s one in every crowd. 2) There’s too much noise in here. 3) There’s eight million stories in the naked city.
Group D
1) Where’s the articles I requested yesterday? 2) Where’s the beef? 3) Where’s your car parked?
Group E
1) There’s nothing to fear but fear itself. 2) There’s no need to get hostile. 3) There’s a thousand reasons why Rick Perry won’t be nominated.
The correct answers to these questions add up to 10.
Well, that’s all the time The Grammar Prick has today, boys and girls. He has to take his afternoon nap, but he’ll be back soon with another opportunity for you to find out how wretched your “command” of English really is.
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