TRUMBULL, Conn. – One day after Golf Digest had announced that it was suspending Tiger Woods’ popular instructional series, “Lay It As It Plays,” the final column in that series was leaked to the press. Entitled “Workin’ the Two Hole,” the article contained Mr. Woods’ most playful comments to date regarding his serial infidelities, but the magazine decided to kill the piece because of its double and single entendres.
“Two hole,” for example, is golfers’ slang for “anus”; and “playing mini-golf with the cart girls,” which Mr. Woods refers to several times in the article, is code for making out with the girls who bring beverages to golfers.
“Tiger shanked this one,” said Golf Digest editor Ed Griffin. “That stuff was pretty raw, and we’re a family publication; Tiger didn’t leave us any wiggle room, if you’ll pardon the expression.”
According to Mr. Griffin, “When Tiger wrote about the importance of finding the ‘sweet spot,’ we thought he was talking about the ideal spot to strike the ball. We had no idea he was referring to the spot on a girl’s panties where her butt hole meets the cotton.”
Golf Digest reportedly pays Mr. Woods roughly $800 a word for twelve, three-hundred-word instructional articles per year–articles that he normally writes with the help of one or two assistants. His name will remain on the magazine’s masthead, a privilege for which Golf Digest pays Mr. Woods $3 million annually–this despite the fact that no one at the magazine has ever met Mr. Woods.
“Tiger e-mails his articles and we print them,” said Michael Chambers, an editorial assistant at Golf Digest. “We don’t change a thing. The guy that I replaced moved a semi-colon once that Tiger had put inside a closing quotation mark, and Tiger had a fit. The assistant was gone by the end of the day.”
“Workin’ the Two Hole,” which began with the observation–“As you might have learned recently, Tiger do love him some white meat”–contained a potentially offensive reference to golf widows who drive “clit cars” and need to learn how to “milk the grip” better. He also referred to himself as “Ol’ Drawbolt,” a slang word for a large penis, normally more than nine inches in length, with exceptional girth, accompanied by golf-ball-size testicles.
Mr. Griffin was quick to point out that “Lay It As It Plays” is merely being suspended “while Tiger gets his life in order. We plan to resume publishing Mr. Woods’ instructional articles “as soon as he returns to the PGA Tour and wins something, so he can stop costing advertisers money.”
In related news, Tiger Woods got a show of support this week from Tag Heuer. The Swiss watchmaker displayed a black-and-white photograph of Mr. Woods on its website accompanied by the declaration: “Tag Heuer stands with Tiger Woods. He might not drive so well, but he can still tell time.”
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