LOS ANGELES – Be afraid, ye sons and daughters of Xenu. Be fearful of your fate, ye glib commentators and disciples of false prophets. Bow down, ye prescription drug addicts and practitioners of psychiatry.
Tom Cruise has sucked the brains out of United Artists’ corporate leaders, who have turned control of the once proud studio over to him. Scientology’s secret plan for world domination is about to be unleashed on an unsuspecting nation.
Soon extraterrestrial lights will glow in the night around Mr. Cruise’ recently purchased hilltop, and babies throughout the Greater Los Angeles Area will refuse to suckle at their mothers’ breasts. John Travolta and Priscilla Presley will star in a remake of The Day the Earth Stood Still for which Beck will write a hip-hop score. Advertisements for asexual reproduction and silent birth will precede all showings of this film—and all other United Artists releases. Eventually E-meters will supplant blood pressure monitors in supermarkets and drug store chains.
Don’t be fooled, Earthlings, because taking over United Artists is a score on the order of conquering Grenada. What if foreign interests had conquered Grenada? We’d have an alien power under our saddle; and guess what, gummy bears, we do: the Sovereign Republic of Scientology. These people are angry. They have access to a treasury’s worth of cash, and they mean business.
“We are eagerly looking forward to the time when people who make fun of us—and the loved ones of people who make fun of us—will get what they deserve,” said Scientologist Kirstie Alley with a menacing smile.
“Do you think this jumpsuit makes my ass look big?” she demanded angrily. “I don’t want anything getting in the way of my comeback.”
Although word of Mr. Cruise’ bloodless coup at United Artists took Hollywood by surprise, Merrill Lynch movie industry analyst Ty Clarke said, “We should have seen this coming.
“Tom’s sack-cloth-and-ashes apology to Brooke Shields was a front. I understand he was physically sick for three days afterward. Tom knows how to play only one way, his way; and as far as he’s concerned, being the head of a motion picture studio means never having to say you’re sorry any more.”
In other news, the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) has filed a $10-million lawsuit against conjoined twins Reba and Lori Schappell of Reading, Pennsylvania. The sisters are accused of illegally downloading more than five thousand songs.
Lori Schappell vehemently denies any wrongdoing, claiming that her sister, Reba, is the guilty party.
“Reba downloaded the music because it’s too hard for us to get to Best Buy.”
“That’s no excuse,” said an RIAA lawyer, “we’ll bring this case to trial if necessary; and when we prevail, we’ll demand that the twins be separated so that Reba can serve her time in jail.”
© The fine fucking print: The editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for satirical and/or entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously. We also do not wish to be held responsible for any copyrighted material that sneaked onto this page when we weren’t looking. If you can prove that anything on this page belongs rightfully to you, we will happily take it down and return the unused portion. No questions asked.
