HOLLYWOOD – Tom Cruise, Brokeback Mountain, and Britney Spears all made statements yesterday. We thought you’d like to know, and even if you pretend you wouldn’t, we’re going to tell you anyway.
Mr. Cruise said recent stories that Katie Holmes will be expected to remain quiet when she gives birth to Hubbard Mapother Cruise are “just plain nutty.” According to Mr. Cruise, Ms. Holmes is free “to make appropriate vocalizations” while midwife Jenna Elfman assists in little Hubbard’s delivery.
“Of course,” Mr, Cruise added, “Kate is not permitted to say any of the seven words you didn’t used to be able to say on television because that would poison little Hub’s reactive mind.”
Mr. Cruise also said he is at a loss to understand how “the vicious silent delivery” rumors got started.
“I know there are a lot of people who envy me for my wealth and happiness,” said Mr. Cruise. “Nevertheless, I can afford to give them the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps they confused delivery with conception, because Scientology does have a strict prohibition against women making any sound or opening their eyes while having sex.”
By taking the top film prize yesterday at the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD) awards, Brokeback Mountain proved that the anti-Crash backlash following this year’s Oscar ceremony was not a simple case of sour grapes.
“Gays and lesbians took a lot of heat when they trashed Crash,” said Brokeback director, Ang Lee, “but this award demonstrates that they were right. Brokeback deserved the best-picture Oscar. It’s unfortunate that homophobia hijacked that prize this year. I am gratified, however, that a fair and balanced voting panel saw this movie for the masterpiece that it is.”
Other GLAAD winners included Newsweek magazine for “best reporting,” Oprah Winfrey for “best fag hag,” and Melissa Etheridge for “best music by a cancer survivor impregnated with David Crosby’s sperm.”
Britney Spears has used the bully pulpit of her website to denounce sculptor Daniel Edwards and his latest work, “Monument to Pro-Life: The Birth of Sean Preston.” In that controversial, life-size piece, a naked, pregnant Ms. Spears crouches face-down, butt-up on a bare-toothed-bear rug as Sean Preston’s head emerges from the sculpture’s and Ms. Spears’ opposite end.
“Just like the false tabloids, Daniel Edwards got it all wrong,” wrote Ms. Spears. “I delivered Sean Preston in the hospital, as everybody with a computer knows. I realize there are a lot of people who envy me for how rich and happy I am, but I’m willing to give them the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps they confused making babies with delivering them.
“I admit I was in that [doggy] position when Sean Preston was conceived, but only because I was too drunk to stand up like Kevin prefers. Furthermore, we weren’t doing it on a bear rug. I was wearing the rug because we had just gotten back from a costume party.”
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