LOS ANGELES – Paramount Pictures has ended its fourteen-year relationship with Tom Cruise and his production company, El-Ron Universal, because of Mr. Cruise’ annoying laugh. The move was announced yesterday by the chairman of Viacom, the company that owns Paramount.
“A much as we like Tom personally,” said Viacom chairman, Sumner Redstone, “his goddamn laugh had been getting on our nerves for some time. You know the one I mean? Where he throws his head back, bares about fifteen feet of teeth, and brays like a jackass having an orgasm.”
A high-placed source at Viacom said that persons who took meetings with Mr. Cruise likened his “screeching” to being catheterized without benefit of anesthesia. What’s more, said the source, Mr. Cruise has a grating tendency to use dated expressions like “dig” all the time.
“If I had heard ‘dig it’ or ‘can you dig it’ or ‘I dig Kate the most’ one more time, I might have strangled him,” the source added. “He just had to go.”
Viacom denied allegations that Mr. Cruise’ departure had been occasioned by his off-screen behavior since he began dating Katie Holmes last year, behavior that included scary public screeds in support of Scientology, attacks on psychiatry and actress Brooke Shields for using antidepressants to fight postpartum depression, rude treatment of Matt Lauer on the Today show, a manic, couch-hopping appearance on The Oprah Winfrey Show, frequent public bouts of tonsil hockey with Ms. Holmes, the purchase of a sonogram to monitor his baby’s progress in the womb, an avowed interest in eating his baby’s placenta, and a feud with the creators of South Park.
The news of Mr. Cruise’ demotion sent tremors across canyons, beaches, and health food restaurants in the Los Angeles area.
“If this could happen to a guy like Tom, nobody’s safe,” said Charlie Sheen. “Even Lindsay Lohan got bitch slapped into place by a studio head. Tom better get himself a line of children’s clothing or adopt a Third World orphan, or he’s headed for the B-list.”
In related news, Trey Parker and Matt Stone, creators of South Park, said they took no pleasure in Tom Cruise’ public embarrassment, even though they had once vowed “to drive that little tube jockey out of the business” after Mr. Cruise had used his influence to kill the rerun of a South Park episode in which he was portrayed as a homosexual.
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