HOLLYWOOD – Tom Cruise has finally responded to growing speculation that his alleged daughter Suri does not exist. Mr. Cruise announced yesterday through the pubic relations office at the Scientology Centre in Hollywood that he has authorized the centre to establish a Baby Suri hotline to provide the press and public with information about the reclusive infant.
Beginning at 9:00 a.m. (PST) on Monday July 17, curious persons will be able to dial 1-900-GET-NEWS to hear Mr. Cruise and Ms. Holmes provide prerecorded information about their privacy-loving daughter.
“At $1.99 a minute billed automatically to the telephone number from which a call is made, this service represents a great bargain for Tom Cruise fans everywhere,” said Mr. Cruise’ publicist, Paul Bloch.
Persons calling 1-900-GET-NEWS will be greeted by a cheerful message from Mr. Cruise himself.
“Thank you for calling the Baby Suri hotline,” says Mr. Cruise’ voice in its trademark, hyperactive fashion. “Para escuchar el menú en español, prensa el poundo keyo.
“Because your call is important to us,” Mr. Cruise continues, “we have installed the following menu to help facilitate the delivery of information about Baby Suri, who wants you all to know that she is doing just great. For your protection your call may be monitored by trained Scientology operators using patented Scientology voice meters. Please listen carefully before making your selection.
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To hear me explain why we didn’t apply for a birth certificate for Suri in a timely fashion, even though she is progressing normally for a baby her age, press 1. To hear Kate deny rumors that Suri is anything but a normal-looking baby who is progressing as well as can be expected for a baby of her size and weight, press 2. To hear me tell a funny story about something Suri said yesterday, press 3 (new stories will be posted daily by 9:00 a.m.).
“To hear Kate describe Suri’s reaction to my latest movie, Mission Impossible: 3, which is still playing in many theaters, press 4. To hear me deny that Kate is pregnant again, even though Suri is a healthy, happy baby, who is normal in every respect, press 5. To hear Kate say what a manly, devoted husband and father I am, press 6.
“To find out how you can help to prevent the rebroadcast of the South Park episode “Trapped in the Closet,” which questions my manhood, press 7. To learn how Scientology can help you to achieve maximum success and happiness just like Kate, Suri, and I have, press 8, an operator will be with you to take your order shortly. To hear this menu repeated, press 9.”
Mr. Cruise’ approach to combating rumors about Suri is patterned after the hotline established by Brad Pitt at the height of speculation about his relationship with Angelina Jolie last year. If Mr. Cruise’ hotline is a similar success, expect other celebrities to follow suit.
“If this works, I’m going to start a hotline of my own,” said Paris Hilton, “and it’ll be really hot. Like, if no one has made up anything about me, I can provide all my fans with fresh rumors they can discuss.”
In other news, teenage golfing prodigy Michelle Wie will attempt to make history today and tomorrow by showering with the men golfers at the John Deere Classic. Although Ms. Wie is only sixteen, she can more than hold her own under the nozzle with men, and most golfing experts say it’s just a matter of time before Ms. Wie is showering with men regularly.
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