ROME – Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes will exchange mood rings during a Scientology wedding ceremony this weekend at Odescalchi Castle on Lake Bracciano, twenty miles from Rome.
According to a source inside the wedding party, the couple will merge their immortal thetans “for all eternity and beyond” in an Elite Ninth Level Transduction Ceremony (ENLTC), the most solemn and expensive Scientology wedding package available.
ENLTCs are seldom performed because of their cost and the demands they make on bride and groom. The last ENLTC was conducted in 2002 when Lisa Marie Presley married Nicholas Cage. Some idea of the rigorous preparation required by an ENLTC can be gotten from the fact that each of Ms. Presley’s other three weddings was performed in a non-Scientology ceremony.
Bingodulla the Elder, the exalted high minister who joined the immortal thetans of Ms. Presley and Mr. Cage, will preside over the Cruise-Holmes transduction. Master Bingodulla is reputed to be 2,876 years old in Hubbard Years, the unit of time observed by Ninth Level Scientologists.
Mr. Cruise, 44, and Ms. Holmes, 27, arrived in Rome early this week for the three days of prayer, fasting, electronic money transfers, high-colonic cleansings, full-body Brazilian waxes, and anal bleachings that precede an Elite Ninth Level Transduction Ceremony. Ms. Holmes, seen briefly on one of the balconies of her hotel suite, looked more radiant and alive than at any time in recent memory. She even appeared to be speaking in complete sentences to a minder who followed her onto the balcony of Ms. Holmes’ $18,00-a-night suite.
“That sort of radiance comes from knowing you are pure inside and out, especially inside, as well as top to bottom, especially bottom,” said Master Bingodulla. He then explained that weddings between individuals “who have purged themselves of all intestinal waste” are the holiest in the eyes of L. Ron Hubbard, Scientology’s founding father.
In addition to rigorous prenuptial preparations, Elite Ninth Level Transduction Ceremonies are marked by special benefits not found in lower level Scientology wedding packages. Only in ENLTCs, for example, is the bride permitted to wear the Sacred Helmet of Domestic Bliss, a ceremonial headdress that resembles a colander.
In related news, Oprah Winfrey, who was not among the celebrities invited to attend the Cruise-Holmes wedding, hinted to her studio audience yesterday that racism may have played a part in her omission from the guest list.
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