LOS ANGELES – Scientologist-actor Tom Cruise announced yesterday that Vianetics, the newly formed Scientology vitamin research and development company, will begin marketing Vitamin TK “in the near future.” Vitamin TK, which is believed to be short for TomKat, has been proven in clinical trials to reverse the course of bird flu “in a nanosecond,” said Mr. Cruise.
“Conventional science should not be so glib as to think it can fight the ravages of bird flu with drugs,” said Mr. Cruise. “Anyone who believes that is playing right into General Tso’s hands.”
According to Mr. Cruise, the evil General Tso was the personal chef of Xenu, the ruler of the Galactic Confederacy, who transported billions of vertically challenged aliens to Earth seventy-five million years ago. Xenu stacked the aliens in circles around volcanoes, then blew them up with hydrogen bombs. Meanwhile General Tso detonated billions of chickens near Purdueville on the Delmarva peninsula.
Just as the souls of Xenu’s victims hung around and infected future generations of Earthlings, who cannot be saved unless they donate large sums of money to Scientology, the souls of General Tso’s chickens waited to embed themselves in the bodies of Earthly chickens.
“The souls of General Tso’s chickens remained dormant until people became dependent on drugs,” said Mr. Cruise. “Then, to demonstrate the folly of drug dependence, the souls of General Tso’s chickens began infecting chicken herds on Earth.”
Calling the much-feared bird flu pandemic “an opportunity, not a curse,” Mr. Cruise described the “fair and balanced” distribution plan that would deliver life-saving doses of Vitamin TK to Scientologists and “civilians” alike.
“Of course Scientologists will not have to pay retail for Vitamin TK,” said Mr. Cruise. “Church rules forbid me from disclosing members’ price, but I can say that non-Scientologists will be able to buy month-long supplies of Vitamin TK for $299.99 directly from Vianetics without anyone calling on them at their homes.”
Mr. Cruise warned that owing to the persistent nature of General Tso’s bird flu, a person who begins taking Vitamin TK should continue taking it for life, as should everyone in that person’s house.
In related news, Scientologist-actor John Travolta, executive director of Vianetics’ research and development group, told reporters that Vianetics’ next project is Vitamin JP, which will cure schizophrenia. The vitamin is named after Jeremy Perkins, a twenty-eight-year-old schizophrenic who stabbed his mother to death. Mr. Perkins was a staunch Scientologist, and his mother was a counselor in the church.
© The fine fucking print: The editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for satirical and/or entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously. We also do not wish to be held responsible for any copyrighted material that sneaked onto this page when we weren’t looking. If you can prove that anything on this page belongs rightfully to you, we will happily take it down and return the unused portion. No questions asked.
