LOS ANGELES – Scientologist Tom Cruise has been playing the mad-brained bear of late. He scared the hell out of Oprah last month by going all spastic on her show—leaping onto her couch and using it for a trampoline, jumping to the floor, dropping to one knee, and copping an exaggerated muscle-boy pose, then hopping to his feet, locking fingers with the truly frightened Winfrey, and waving her arms from side to side as if he were showing her how to channel windshield wipers.
The audience, meanwhile, shrieked like people on a roller coaster who were getting more ride than they had expected; a few were even seen eyeing the exits nervously. Meltdowns of that magnitude can be scary up close.
Newspapers and talk show hosts milled this grist for days, making puns about the need for “Cruise Control” and suggesting that Tom’s boat had slipped its moorings. The comments turned ugly when Cruise lobbed a missile at Brooke Shields for using Paxil to combat postpartum depression. He accused her of setting a bad example for tall, attractive women and suggested that her career was for crap because of her drug addiction.
Naturally a breathless America stayed up late to see what Cruise would do when he hit “The Tonight Show” last week. He didn’t disappoint, leaping onto the furniture again in what many people saw as a good-natured, ironic parody of his “Oprah” performance.
Or was it? Scientology watchers don’t think so.
“Tom doesn’t have an ironic bone in his body,” said Roger van Eccles, who has deprogrammed dozens of former Scientologists. “He’s been sending a series of carefully orchestrated signals back to the Mothership for the last several weeks, and people need to know what those signals mean.”
Thanks to Cruise’ tedious pimping for Scientology—he even demanded a “Scientology tent” on the set of the Steven Spielberg film “War of the Worlds”—many people are aware that the Scientology cult was founded in 1954 by science fiction writer L. Ron Hubbard, who claimed to have visited Venus, the planet. Scientologists like Cruise, Beck, Kirstie Alley, Greta van Susteren, John Travolta, Jenna Elfman, and Priscilla Presley believe all human beings are Thetans, the descendants of two creatures from another galaxy who were left on Earth by the Mothership millions of years ago.
Thetans are doomed to endure successive lives on Earth until they have donated a sufficient amount of money to Scientology. They are born with Original Dysfunction, a state of confusion and longing for drugs, inherited from the two original Thetans, Mork and Mindy, who refused to donate any of their fruit to the First Universal Cooperative. Therefore, all Thetans are possessed of Engrams, physical and emotional scars acquired in previous lives.
Only by rigorous monitoring and cleansing—which can be purchased by cash, money order, or credit card other than American Express—can Thetans hope to become clear, i.e., free of Engrams and fabulously wealthy. Once Thetans have become fabulously wealthy, they can afford to buy their way onto the Mothership and eternal bliss.
According to van Eccles, Cruise’ leaping onto the couch on “Oprah” was his way of signaling that he was ready to leave this planet (the floor) and go home to the Mothership (the couch). The number of times Cruised jumped up and down on the couch signal led the amount, in millions, that he was willing to pay to book passage.
“Dropping to one knee signified Tom’s allegiance to Scientology,” said van Eccles, “while the muscle-boy pose signaled his attainment of a clear state, free of the influence of Engrams.”
By seizing Oprah’s hands and waving her arms from side to side, “Tom was waving good-bye to the shallow, materialistic culture that Oprah represents. Of course, by dragging Katie Holmes on stage, Tom was signaling to the Mothership that he wants her to be his Thetan bride once she has converted to Scientology and has donated enough money to cleanse her Engrams.”
In other news, Russell Crowe bit the ear off a waitress who brought him the wrong salad in a New York restaurant last night.
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