NEW YORK – Tom Cruise, whom no one has ever accused of being self-deprecating, threw a tantrum when he learned that Comedy Central was planning to re-broadcast the infamous “Trapped in the Closet” episode of South Park on Wednesday March 15.
According to Daily Variety, Mr. Cruise demanded the episode be pulled or else he would refuse to do interviews or promotions for Mission Impossible 3, due out in August. MI3 was made by Paramount, which is owned by the same company that owns Comedy Central.
The episode that has Mr. Cruise’ e-meter cables in a twist debuted last November. In that episode one of the fourth graders who star in South Park hands over his $240 bicycle savings for a Scientology auditing session. The results of that session reveal that he is the reincarnation of Scientology founder, L. Ron Hubbard.
Rather than describe what happens next, which you can see for yourself free of charge at You Tube.com, we’ll describe what Mr. Cruise did to make sure you didn’t see that episode on Comedy Central.
First he convinced Isaac Hayes, a fellow Scientologist, to quit the cast of South Park. Mr. Hayes was the voice of Jerome “Chef” McElroy, a womanizing school cook and confidant of South Park‘s profane fourth-graders.
Mr. Hayes won an Oscar in 1971 for writing the theme music for Shaft, but he had been reduced to the status of a musical trivia question until he joined the cast of South Park nine years ago.
At Mr. Cruise’s “suggestion,” Mr. Hayes announced very publicly on Monday that he was quitting South Park because he “felt shafted” by the show’s four-month-old attack on his religion. Mr. Hayes’ resignation, belated though it may have appeared, did allow Comedy Central to save face when it caved in to Mr. Cruise’ petulent demand that the “Trapped in the Closet” episode be withdrawn.
“How?” you ask—by giving Comedy Central the chance to say that it was pulling the “Trapped in the Closet” episode in order to present a two-episode tribute to Chef Isaac Hayes. One of those tribute episodes was the single entendre “Chef’s Chocolate Salty Balls.”
If you believe that, you might just believe Scientology’s cockamamie tale about Xenu, the ruler of the Galactic Confederacy, who brought billions of people to Earth seventy-five million years ago, stacked them around volcanoes, then blew them up with hydrogen bombs. That tale is told in the aforementioned episode of South Park, which can be seen at the aforementioned website. Check it out and hear Nicole Kidman say, “Tom, you’ve got to come out of the closet.”
Mr. Cruise, his agent assures us, had nothing to do with Comedy Central’s decision to leave him in the closet. In addition to making out with his pregnant wife, Katie Holmes, at baseball games, Mr. Cruise has been busy assembling the Scientology guest list for Ms. Holmes’ impending delivery. Is it just us or does that thought bring to mind the birthing scene from Rosemary’s Baby?
In other news, as the world turns, rumors swirl, and fans of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie turn their eyes to northern Italy, George Clooney remains silent about his pal Brad’s wedding plans. Mr. Clooney warned members of the press, however, that his silence should not be taken out of context.
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