HOLLYWOOD – Tom Cruise took time out from making a placenta casserole to visit with a Yahoo chat room audience last night. During the scheduled fifteen-minute session, sponsored by Yahoo News and Placentavite shampoo, Mr. Cruise answered several questions, about his religion and his past lives.
The first questioner, TomKat45903 from Akron, Ohio, asked Mr. Cruise, “How did you and Katie select the name Suri for your daughter?”
“First of all,” replied Mr. Cruise, “it’s Kate, not Katie. Katie is a child’s name. My Kate is a woman, a magnificent woman, a magnificent child-bearing woman. Woooo-hoooo! And I got this magnificent woman pregnant. Can you dig it?
“As for our daughter’s name, Suri is an ancient Persian name meaning red rose. We wanted an ancient name because we believe this baby has lived before.”
The next questioner, TomKat29301 from Omaha, Nebraska, asked if Mr. Cruise believed in reincarnation.
“First of all,” replied Mr. Cruise, “that depends on how you define reincarnation. People who don’t know any better think reincarnation means ‘to be born again in different life forms.’ That’s uncool. What it really means is ‘to be born again into the flesh of another body.’
“I also believe that unless a person can deal with emotional scars built up in past lives, he or she can’t achieve much in this life. Fortunately, Scientology offers a low-cost tool called auditing that helps people realize they have lived before. I’m sure that when Suri begins auditing, she will dig that she has had past lives.”
The next questioner, TomKat35789 from Columbus, Ohio, asked if Mr. Cruise was aware of his past lives.
“For sure,” replied Mr. Cruise, “and I’ll tell you what, they were all great lives, too. I first became aware that I had been here before when I read the complete works of Shakespeare in a month. That was right after I had been cured of dyslexia, which happened as soon as I made my first large donation to Scientology.
“Shakespeare was deja vu for me. It was so cool. I felt as if I had seen his words already, like I knew them backwards and forwards. Then I realized the words had come from my heart in a previous life.”
The next questioner, Björn_ B from Sweden, asked Mr. Cruise if he really believed dyslexia could be cured by Scientology.
“First of all,” replied Mr. Cruise, “I’m going to, in any case, admit that you have the courage of a madman. This is something no one has dared ask me in a chat room before. Scientology offers a spiritual liberation from life’s problems. This liberation can only be reached through advice, courses, donations, and deep study. Your cynical question is just another attempt to discredit Scientology by spreading a bunch of caca.”
When Björn_ B attempted to ask Mr. Cruise a follow-up question about Brooke Shields, who also had a baby girl yesterday, Mr. Cruise went off.
“Now you’ve crossed the line,” said Mr. Cruise. “I’m out of here, Björn_ B, if that’s even your real name.”
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