Jumpin’ Tom FlashWEST CHESTER, Penna. – Not satisfied to convert the world to Scientology one actress at a time—or “to take down the abomination that is psychiatry”—Tom Cruise has launched a war of the words against satire. Unfortunately for Chip Hilton, one of the most highly respected albeit psychologically fragile satirists writing today, Mr. Cruise elected to begin his campaign with a vicious, jack-booted threat against our Mr. Hilton. The threat came in the form of a letter written by one of Mr. Cruise’ legions of snarling, attack-dog lawyers.
The burr in Mr. Cruise’ bonnet—the bee under his saddle, if you prefer—is an article that appeared on this website on July 3 this year. Although the logo at the top of the page on which the article appeared clearly announced, “The Satire Site that Obscures the Line Between the Real and the Surreal”—and a disclaimer at the bottom of the page reminded readers, “This material copyright by the author, who wishes you to know that most of it was made up out of half cloth”—Mr. Cruise nevertheless instructed one of his junkyard dogs to send the following letter, the text of which is quoted in its entirety and is not made up:
LAW OFFICES OF
GREENBERG GLUSKER FIELDS CLAMAN MACHTINGER & KINSELLA LLP
1900 AVENUE OF THE STARS
21ST FLOOR
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA 90067-4590
TELEPHONE: (310) 553-3610
FAX (310) 553-0687
BERTRAM FIELDS
DIRECT DIAL NUMBER
310.201.7454
E-MAIL ADDRESS [email protected]
August 24, 2005
Chip Hilton and
SyndicatedNews.NET
c/o Phil Maggitti
Pugbus.net
929 South High Street, Suite 149
West Chester, Pennsylvania 19382
Gentlemen:
I have just learned that SyndicatedNews.NET recently published an article by Chip Hilton containing demonstrably false, defamatory and highly damaging assertions about my client, Tom Cruise.
Among these false assertions is that, “in a conference call with selected reporters” Mr. Cruise made a number of statements which you purport to quote. In fact, there was no such conference call, and Mr. Cruise never said any of those things. Among the statements you falsely attribute to Mr. Cruise were the following: that he had a previous life, that he is old beyond reckoning, that he took his present form because “Bingodulla elected him to spread the gospel of Scientology to the glib, uninformed masses,” that he has known Katie Holmes in many lives before, that he languished in prison before being sent to exile, that Ms. Holmes sent him notes hidden in the collar of her pug dog, that he said he and Ms. Holmes had been a partner in countless past lives, that he has clashed with Matt Lauer and Brooke Shields in former lives, that Brooke Shields “was the mistress of Sigmund Freud” and that this is why “she promotes his discredited theories,” that Brooke Shields is confused, and that he expects Dakota Fanning, his 11 year old co-star in “War of the Worlds” to become a Scientologist “before much longer.”
You also suggest that Mr. Cruise is about to check himself into drug rehabilitation.
Of course, as you are well aware, Mr. Cruise never made any of these statements and he is not about to check himself into drug rehabilitation. In fact, he is strongly anti-drug and does not use drugs of any sort.
Each and every one of your assertions is absolutely false and defamatory of Mr. Cruise and these vicious lies have been repeated all over the internet [sic], causing Mr. Cruise very substantial damages.
Without in any way waiving Mr. Cruise’s rights or remedies with respect to the damages which you have already caused, I must ask that you immediately retract each and every one of these false and defamatory statements, making it clear that Mr. Cruise never said any of the things you attributed to him.
Very truly yours,
BERTRAM FIELDS
BF:rjd
Without putting too blunt a point on things, we feel obliged to note that Postcards from the Pug Bus is not and never has been associated with SyndicatedNews.NET. Moreover, the Pug Bus piece that got Mr. Cruise thetans in a twist never claimed that he was about to check himself into drug rehabilitation. We wonder what gave Mr. Fields that idea.
All of the above would be just another amusing episode of Tom Cruise jumping the couch were it not for the fact that Chip Hilton has gone into hiding and has been missing since September 3. Those of you who are regular visitors to this site may have noticed that since then we have not published an article a day as had been our wont since the site was established earlier this year. Regular readers may also have noticed that Mr. Hilton has posted only one article since then, an article that was, actually, a reprint of a piece Mr. Hilton had written previously.
With Mr. Hilton gone missing and with the other Pug Bus staff members having to assume responsibility for the care of his aged mother, Postcards from the Pug Bus will have to suspend operations until further notice. We regret any inconvenience that this may cause our readers, and we remind Mr. Cruise and his minions: It’s only satire, you blundering fools, get a grip.
Yours in jest,
Phil Maggitti
Editor-in-Briefs
Postcards from the Pug Bus
© The fine fucking print: The editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for satirical and/or entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously. We also do not wish to be held responsible for any copyrighted material that sneaked onto this page when we weren’t looking. If you can prove that anything on this page belongs rightfully to you, we will happily take it down and return the unused portion. No questions asked.
