BERLIN – Scientologist Tom Cruise flew to Germany a few days ago to announce that he and his pregnant fiancee, Katie Holmes, would be married this summer. Mr. Cruise told Bild, a German newspaper, that he “won’t let this woman get away,” which is something of an understatement as Ms. Holmes has been microchipped like a cocker spaniel and attended by at least two Scientology minders around the clock for the last six months.
Later, on a television show called “Wetten, dass?” which freely translated means “What the hell?” Mr. Cruise said he had just flown in and would be flying straight out again so as not to miss the birth of his first natural child, as though a child conceived by in vitro fertilization with the unfrozen sperm of a dead science fiction writer could be called natural.
“If Katie calls, I’m goose-stepping out of here,” brayed Mr. Cruise, baring his teeth grotesquely. “She could pop any day now. I’ve been feeding her lots of spicy food because that’s been medically proven to induce labor.”
Whether or not lamb vindaloo induces labor, it apparently induced Mr. Cruise to put seven thousand miles between him and Ms. Holmes. Perhaps he forgot to add the Beano to the recipe.
Ironically, while Mr. Cruise’ controlling tendencies have been well documented, Postcards from the Pug Bus is the only news source to report that Ms. Holmes began stalking Mr. Cruise when she was in kindergarten and he was twenty-one.
“We all thought it was cute at first,” said Regina Blake, Ms. Holmes’ kindergarten teacher, who is now a successful Amway distributor. “Little girls always want to marry Hollywood stars, but most little girls get over it eventually.”
Ms. Holmes, apparently, did not. During her four years at Notre Dame Academy, an all-girls Catholic high school, in Toledo, Ohio, she often sat in the back of classrooms writing “Mrs. Tom Cruise” or “Katie Noelle Cruise” on page after page in her notebooks.
“We thought it was cute at first,” said Mother Margaret Misery, Ms. Holmes’ phys ed teacher, who is now a successful real estate agent in San Francisco. “A lot of girls want to marry actors, but most of them outgrow that eventually.”
Ms. Holmes, instead, became an actress. She landed the role of Joey Potter on “Dawson’s Creek” and began shadowing Mr. Cruise, and other celebrities when Mr. Cruise was not in town.
“That chick was, like, obsessed with Tom,” said Robert Downey Jr., who appeared with Ms. Holmes in the 2000 release Wonder Boys. “She was always asking what he was like and if his marriage was really in trouble. A lot of young actresses have a thing for Tom. They get over it.”
Ms. Holmes did not. “She saw Vanilla Sky at least thirty-five times,” said American Pie star Chris Klein.
Mr. Klein, an actor of Reevesian scope, began dating Ms. Holmes in 2000 after she had bombarded him with e-mail messages and started sleeping in her car outside his house. Two years later she threatened to end the relationship�and, she hinted, her life�if she and Mr. Kline were not engaged by her twenty-fourth birthday. Mr. Kline, somewhat reluctantly, agreed.
“I certainly didn’t want to marry somebody who’s seen Vanilla Sky three dozen times,” deadpanned Mr. Kline. “But by then I was worried about the safety of my pets.”
Some members of the Scientology cult to which Mr. Cruise belongs maintain that Ms. Holmes’ engagement to Mr. Kline was “a transference” that she used to mask her real intentions while Mr. Cruise was involved with Vanilla Sky co-star Penelope Cruz (no relation).
“Is it really a coincidence that as soon as Tom and Penelope split in December, Katie began telling acquaintances she was getting bored?” asked Jenna Elfman, a 5th-level Weasel in the Church of Scientology. “Then last month she announced in one magazine interview that her dream date was Tom Cruise. Next thing we knew she had broken her engagement and had followed Tom to Rome.”
“Tom never had a chance,” said Scientologist Courtney Love. “He’s got a weakness for ladies that are younger and taller then him.”
In other news, Britney Spears sent her sister, Jamie Lynn, a birthday message urging her “not to take happiness for granite.”
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