WASHINGTON, D.C.—President-elect Donald J. Trump has appointed the Grammar Prick to the newly created cabinet post of Secretary of Grammar and Usage, which will replace the moribund Department of Education. Mr. Prick is legendary for his animadversions against those who violate the rules of polite discourse, spoken or written. His work is featured exclusively on the alt-right satire website Postcards from the Pug Bus.
“I hear things about this guy’s work online,” said Mr. Trump. “Very interesting stuff. Very interesting. He’s going to make American speech great again and save us a lot of money.”
As Mr. Trump does, the Grammar Prick mows down political correctness like a ninety-year-old, blue-haired Jewish woman in Miami mows down pedestrians after she jumps the curb in her Chrysler LeBaron. A few cases in point:
“If you answered a or d, you are incorrect. If you answered b, you might be the sort of rat-fucking, butt-scratching dunderhead responsible for turning the English language into a shit heap.”
“So listen up, boys and girls, use all the goddamn profanity you want, but don’t expect it to rescue a limp-dick sentence. If your sentences have the mushy feel of overcooked pasta, no amount of assholes, motherfuckers, or dickheads is going to save it.”
“Stay tuned, boys and girls, next time we’re going to assay the literary stylings of Michelle Obama, who moves her lips when she reads and who speaks and writes on an eight-grade-level.”
Progressives, as is their wont these days, reacted to the Grammar Prick’s appointment with hair-on-fire indignation and their predictable threats.
“This man is a racist, sexist, homophobic, Islamophobic, transphobic monster,” said Antwan Delano Roosevelt Brown, HMFIC of Black Lives Matter’s Grosse Point, Michigan, office. “We must fight his nomination with every weapon at our disposal. If you’ve ever been bullied by some white teacher for saying axe instead of asks, you must demand justice and the right to be taught in Ebonics.”
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