DUBLIN – Bono won a landmark legal decision yesterday when a circuit civil court judge in Dublin ruled that Bono’s one-time personal fashion consultant had to return various articles of clothing and photographs to the diminutive, fashion-impaired political activist.
At issue in the historic case were a Stetson hat adorned with numerous buttons and trinkets, a pair of black, pre-washed denim trousers with calico patches on the knees and ragged fringe cuffs, a green sweatshirt bearing an image of Che Guevara, a pair of tin hoop earrings, and 200 photos.
The fashion consultant, Lola Cashman, argued that Bono had given the items to her in Phoenix, Arizona, at the conclusion of the U.S. leg of U2’s Joshua Tree tour in 1987.
“Bono was running around backstage shouting ‘I Am the Walrus’ when he suddenly stopped, took of the pants, sweat shirt, hat, and earrings and gave them to me,” Cashman testified. “He said, ‘Here, burn these, the make me look like a right twit.’ Then I then took several pictures of Bono in his Y-fronts, dancing on one of the catering tables.”
Bono contended that Cashman had taken the clothes from his dressing room without permission after he had changed into a pair of red crushed velour trousers and a gold Nehru jacket for a band dinner.
“First of all, I liked those clothes,” said Bono. “Second of all, given the iconic status of everything that comes into contact with me, I would have had to have been daft to give those items away.”
Bono’s lawyers further argued that even though the articles of clothing, particularly the hat, were unlikely to fit Bono any longer, there was “a larger principle at stake than mere fashion statements.”
The judge gave Cashman, who stopped working for the band in 1988 because Bono refused to cut his mullet, seven days to return the items, valued at an estimated 5,000 euro ($A8,000).
Bono’s self-serving, long-winded testimony in the suit against Cashman appears to have done little to improve his standing in the race for Rolling Stone‘s 2005 Most Annoying Celebrity award. Las Vegas odds makers still list Bono as a 5-2 second choice behind Bob Geldof, the 6-5 favorite.
Nevertheless, Bono is not expected to go quietly into that good night. Looking like a forty-something Cabbage Patch doll still trying to dress hip, a demin-clad Bono told a reporter in Poland, “The right to be ridiculous is something I hold dear.”
Bono then argued that as close as he is to Geldof, he (Bono) felt that he (Bono again) was far more qualified to be the most annoying celebrity. Many celebrity watchers agree. A truly annoying celebrity offends by deed as well as by word, and Bono leaves no bothersome deed undone.
For starters he is known by a single name; and worse yet, it’s a nickname. In addition he named one of his daughters Memphis Eve and his son Elijah Bob Patricius Guggi Q. He has had his picture taken with more celebrities than is healthy. He has a fetish for name dropping. He has the fashion sense of a person whose ancestors only recently became acquainted with indoor plumbing, and did we mention that he considered disbanding U2 in the early 1980s because he feared the rock ‘n’ roll lifestyle would conflict with the values of the prayer group to which he belonged?
Although Bono has won several most-annoying-celebrity awards—from groups as diverse as the Cannes Film Festival and National Geographic magazine—he maintains that “the Rolling Stone award is the most meaningful of all the meaningful awards I’ve won” because its winners are determined by a panel of musicians and critics. Bono won the inaugural edition of the magazine’s award in 2000.
“I’ll have no one to thank but myself if I win this award again,” said Bono, tricked out as usual in his annoying trademark shades and his teeth-grindingly stupid straw hat.
“Like I was telling Dr. Dre—or was it the pope—last week, recognition from one’s peers and, of course, saving the world are what make all the money, cars, stately homes, and arse-kissing hangers-on worthwhile.”
In other news, the U.S. government Tuesday revised its 2004 estimate of terrorist attacks around the world, increasing the number from 651 to 3,192 after changing to a broader definition of terrorism. The new definition includes physical hand gestures, prolonged horn honking at traffic lights, and grabbing one’s crotch while pointing to another individual or public monument.
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