News

Virginia Tech Shooter Sued by RIAA for Illegal Downloads

an image

NEW YORK – The estate of Cho Seung-Hui, the former Virginia Tech student who killed thirty-two people last week, has been sued by the RIAA (Recording Industry Association of America ) for illegally downloading more than ten thousand songs. The $100-million suit, $10,000 per song times ten thousand songs, is believed to be the largest the RIAA has ever brought against a dead person.

“We have long maintained that illegal downloading is a gateway crime,” said RIAA president, Cary Sherman, “and the unfortunate events at Virginia Tech prove our point. Persons like Mr. Cho who have no regard for intellectual property rights have no regard for human life either.”

A source close to the investigation told THEM Weekly that the RIAA has asked the FBI to turn over hard drives from Mr. Cho’s computers so that the association can determine “the precise amount” it is owed.

Mr. Sherman confirmed that report, saying, “What does the FBI need with those hard drives? No amount of sniffing around in Mr. Cho’s emails is going to bring his victims back. We, however, have an urgent need to determine the full extent of his heinous and pervasive downloading so that we can recover the monies that are owed to innocent recording artists, who are, in a sense, every bit as victimized as the persons Mr. Cho shot.”

Mr. Cho’s former suitemates told CNN’s Wolf Blitzer, FOXNews’ Greta Van Susteren, MSNBC’s Tucker Carlson, NBC Nightly News’ Brian Williams, and others that Mr. Cho listened to “a lot of (Led) Zeppelin, Goth metal, trance, drum-and-bass, and The Carpenters.”

In related news, Mr. Carey said his association is willing to forgive “up to 75 percent” of the debt incurred by Mr. Cho’s victims if their parents, legal guardians, or next of kin “approach us in a timely fashion, thereby saving us the trouble of bringing suit against them.”    

© The fine fucking print: The editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for satirical and/or entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously. We also do not wish to be held responsible for any copyrighted material that sneaked onto this page when we weren’t looking. If you can prove that anything on this page belongs rightfully to you, we will happily take it down and return the unused portion. No questions asked.