FAIRFAX, Vir. – The shootings at Virginia Tech University this week have inspired the NRA (National Rifle Association) to draft a plan to prevent similar mass murders on college campuses.
The NRA proposal, called No Student Left Unarmed, would require every college student in the United States to carry the firearm of his or her choice while on campus.
“The senseless tragedy here at Virginia Tech could have been prevented by one student with a gun and the balls to use it,” declared NRA president, Wayne LaPierre, as he toured the Blacksburg, Virginia, campus with Vice President Dick Cheyney, and gun advocate Ted Nugent last night in the NRA’s flagship black Humvee, Lock ‘n’ Load.
“Obviously, the administration on this campus shot themselves in the foot when it came to protecting the students in their charge,” said Mr. Cheyney. “If pantywaist liberal college administrators can’t be trusted to protect our students, then it’s time those students took their safety into their own hands. This senseless harvesting of young people has got to stop.”
According to the terms of No Student Left Unarmed, every college student in the nation would be required to present arms when school opens in the fall. Universities, for their part, would be required to offer two mandatory, three-credit courses in gun safety and marksmanship. Finally, all teachers would be required to open and close each class with the No Student Left Unarmed pledge: “You fuck with my class, I’ll bust a cap in your ass.”
Critics charged that the NRA proposal would make obtaining a gun even easier for troubled students.
“So what?” replied Mr. Nugent. “If you already knew that the whack-job slope kid sitting next to you in Victorian literature class drawing images of disemboweled women on his writing assignments had a gun, wouldn’t you feel safer if you had a gun, too?”
According to Mr. LaPierre, the No Student Left Unarmed proposal would protect not only today’s generation of college students but also future generations of nursing home residents, “a significantly underarmed segment of our population.”
“The worst and dullest of our young people are armed to the teeth,” added Mr. Cheyney. “It’s time we leveled the shooting range for the best and the brightest. I look forward to a day when students celebrate their college graduations not by throwing their caps, with their dangerous, sharp pointed edges into the air, but by firing their guns into the air instead.”
In other news, the black box from the SUV in which New Jersey governor, Jon Corzine, had been riding when he was critically injured last week has been recovered from the scene of the crash. According to a source at Pyewacket, the governor’s mansion, the last voice heard on the black box’s recorder is that of Governor Corzine saying, “Step on it. This thing can do more than ninety-one.”
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