Sporting Life

Was Joe Paterno Fired Because of His Two-Quarterback Offense?

an image

STATE COLLEGE, Penna. – Ostensibly ex-Penn State football coach Joe Paterno was fired by the school’s board of trustees because he had failed to step up and be counted when he was told nine years ago that his former defensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky had been observed buggering some helpless ten-year-old in the shower room in one of Penn State’s football buildings.

Sources close to the shower room, however, have suggested a different reason for Mr. Paterno’s dismissal.

“Joe gradually lost support among board members because of the two-quarterback system he had implemented,” said one former graduate assistant who asked not to be identified “because Joe might no longer be the coach but he’s still a mean, vindictive bastard.”

According to the graduate assistant, “The board didn’t give a fuck about the kids Jerry Sandusky was diddling. Hell, nobody else at Penn State did; why should the board? What they were concerned about was the impact of the two-quarterback system on Penn State’s reputation.”

The board was especially sensitive to criticism such as the following from a local sportswriter: “I’ve given up on trying to find any sanity in the Penn State quarterback situation. This week was it for me regarding Paterno’s weekly who-is-the-starting-quarterback-this-game riddles.”

Penn State players, too, were tired of Coach Paterno’s inability to make a decision.

“With two quarterbacks sometimes the game gets slowed down, and that’s not right,” said wide receiver Devon Smith.

an image

Coach Paterno’s failure to choose a starting quarterback and to stick with him has been a growing scandal at Penn State. In 2009 that failure cost the school the services of Pat Devlin, who transferred to the University of Delaware after being forced to split playing time with Daryll Clark.

“Mr. Paterno behaved as if he were bigger than the quarterbacks,” said one board member who asked not to be identified. “When [former Penn State president] Graham Spanier and I visited Coach Paterno to ask that he choose one starting quarterback, he showed us the door.

“He didn’t seem at all concerned that by playing two quarterbacks he was creating a scenario that could potentially split the locker room. We couldn’t let that situation continue any longer.”    

© The fine fucking print: The editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for satirical and/or entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously. We also do not wish to be held responsible for any copyrighted material that sneaked onto this page when we weren’t looking. If you can prove that anything on this page belongs rightfully to you, we will happily take it down and return the unused portion. No questions asked.