WEST GOSHEN, Pa—If a nation can be judged by what it celebrates, the United States is fucked six ways to Sunday and back. To point a crooked finger at just one of a frightening shitload of days we observe, today is National Gingerbread House Day, according to the wizards at National Day Calendar (NDC). If that doesn’t curdle your testicles, how about these gems: National Rubber Ducky Day (1/13—on my goddamn birthday, no less), National Frozen Yogurt Day (2/6), National Barbie Day (3/9), National Hairball Awareness Day (4/24), National Foam Rolling Day (5/11) . . . we could go on, but NDC celebrates “… nearly 1,500 National Days, National Weeks and National Months.” Who’s got time for all that celebrating?
In the interest of full disclosure, three months ago we applied to NDC asking that December 30 each year be designated National Penultimate day. We thought we had a great idea and a good shot. All that’s on the calendar that day are National Bicarbonate of Soda Day, National Falling Needles Family Fest Day, and National Bacon Day. We received this prompt reply:
Dear Phil,
Thank you for submitting your idea for a National Observance. Our committee is hard at work reviewing the over 20,000 applications they receive every year. If you are one of the 25 or so applications approved each year, someone will reach out to you about the next steps.
We are honored that you Celebrate Every Day with us.
Smiles,
Marlo Anderson
Founder, National Day Calendar
To date we have had no further reply; but lest anyone think we’re slagging off NDC and its beleaguered selection team, which is busier than the admission folks at Harvard, we’re not. NDC validates only a super-niggardly 0.00125 percent of the petitions it receives. Obviously many of those petitions came from organizations and special interests with clout and coin—National Rhubarb Vodka Day, for example. Less obviously, what the hell was wrong with the other 99.99875 percent of the petitions? One shudders to imagine.
National Stick Your Finger Up Your Ass and Whistle Day? National You Can Probably Get Another Use Out of That Condom Day? National Wipe Your Ass with Your Non-dominant Hand Day?
Actually, those sound more interesting than National Puppy Breath Day. Thus, you’ll probably be hearing about them in this space eventually. Until then, remember you live in a country that’s going down the crapper fast. Time to Celebrate National Stick Your Head Between Your Legs and Kiss Your Ass Good-bye Day
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